Sunday, March 12, 2006

The Hills Have Eyes

Today was historical: I walked out of a movie for only the second time in my life.

Oh, yes.

Film snob that I am, I like to think I'm at least patient about it. If I encounter a celluloid piece of excrement, I normally will view it in its pathetic entirety so that I have more of a reason to thrash it later. I also do this because I look forward to my weekly trips to theater, and even 2 hours spent in cinematic hell usually beats spending those two hours doing activities more productive. Movies are, after all, the ultimate form of escape, allowing me a respite from the pounding voices in my head constantly telling me that my house is a mess, that I should be studying, and/or that I haven't exercised in a few days (shut up voices, shut UP!!!).

Movies also contain messages. And if the movies are good, they can teach us valuable lessons through entertainment, such as the beauty of love, the dangers in seeking revenge, or perhaps most importantly: the absolute necessity of having a really kick-ass car. I learned that last one from watching Ronin.

"The Hills Have Eyes" had a very important message to deliver today. Actually several. I'm not sure the messages were actually intended by the filmmakers, but they were loud and clear nonetheless. I also don't know if these messages started coming through when I saw a mutated nuclear fallout victim, who looked more like a demented Lepruchaun, eating a person's leg, or when I started thinking that Ted Levine would have made the movie far more entertaining if he'd told someone to "put the lotion in the basket". I just know that about an hour into this ride, I was learning several things:

-Today would be a really great day to clean out my car.

-I am suddenly in the mood to shop for a bathing suit.

-I have actually never read War and Peace and I should consider doing that really, really soon. Like now, actually!

Normally, when I have thoughts like this, I suppress them quite effectively because whatever I'm doing at the moment has GOT to be better than doing any of the above items. I'm one of the laziest people I know; I procrastinate better than Brett Favre throws a touchdown pass. This is why I have only walked out of one other movie in my life. The other one was Batman & Robin. Surely you understand.

It's not so much that Hills was the worst movie I'd ever seen. It was just trite. I have a very low tolerance for trite.

I wish I could be so motivated in my life without spending $6.25 first, but if that's what it takes, so be it.

My car is spotless right now!

Gouda's Semi-Final (because she didn't stay until the end) Grade: D-