Sunday, April 08, 2007

Grindhouse

**The following review will be written in the same frame of mind as the viewer who was watching this film. This is because in the course of watching this film, the viewer experienced something of an age-regressing, multi-orgasmic, beautifully/painfully gorgeous epiphany that made her realize that it's been years since she has had so much fun seeing a movie, let alone a double feature.

First up -- Robert Rodriguez's Planet Terror:

Okay, so, right? We have this these crazy soldier guys (one of them is Bruce Willis) in masks and stuff, and we're not sure why at first, until they take them off and then their skin gets all "EW," you know? Well it turns out that this yucky gas stuff kind of acts like a virus on whoever comes in contact with it and turns them into evil zombies who eat people's brains! Well, there is this guy who kicks all kinds of ass named El Wray played by Freddie Rodriguez who has all of these awesome skills with guns and knives and whatnot, and he has this go-go dancer girlfriend named Cherry Darling who only has one leg. Well, when they start kicking all kinds of zombie ass, El Wray hooks up this huge gun to the stump of Cherry's leg and she walks on it and then lifts her leg and blasts all of those fuckers to kingdom come! I was like OMIGOD! How in the hell is she even firing that thing, because she doesn't have any kind of a trigger and shit, and then I was like "I DON'T CARE!" because how often to you see some hot stripper chick firing missiles and shit from her LEG? How about, like, NEVER, okay? So where was I? Oh yeah, this movie has it all! Great characters, awesome gore, and all kinds of funny dialog, stunts, and references to other Rodriguez/Tarantino movies. You have, like, no idea! All I know is I was totally into this flick. Oh yeah, and it even had that guy in it from the original Terminator movie! You know, the one who played Sarah Connor's boyfriend? Totally cool! This movie was outrageous, over the top, gross, perfect, and PERFECTLY GROSS! Dude! All by itself it would have been worth the price of admission, like, a bajillion times over. Robert Rodriguez has amazing skills as a filmmaker. Planet Terror gets an A all the freakin way!

Next Movie -- Quentin Tarantino's Deathproof

Alright, so I'm not tryin to come down on my boy Q or anything like that, but I have to say, after being hammered by Planet Terror, it was kind of hard to get immediately into Deathproof. That's because Tarantino likes to flex his dialog muscles overtime, and in the first part of this movie, that's ALL he fucking did was have his characters talk, talk, talk! I mean I'm not stupid and I don't have some short attention span or anything, but God, ya know? I was still interested, though, because Kurt Russell plays this creepy guy who drives this scary looking 1970 Chevy Nova stunt car, and it turns out he's this crazy serial killer who likes to trap women in his car and take them for a bloody ride, right? So, like, that was cool and stuff. There were some pretty sick gory shots early on with the killer's first victims. But then the movie kind of slowed down again and introduced us to this whole OTHER set of characters, Russell's supposed next victims. And then I was like OH. MY. GOD what is going on here?? It's like we're starting ALL over again, right? I mean, the characters were funny and shit, talking that classic Tarantino jive but I gotta say, there just wasn't enough happening. It was like the momentum from the first movie totally died! But then... Well, I'm not going to spoil it for you, but Quentin totally makes up for it with the last half hour of the movie because there was the most awesome car chase scene I've ever watched right up there on the screen, and I was practically wetting my pants during the whole thing! And then it just hit me when it was all over that I totally sold Tarantino short initially! If I had seen this movie by itself I probably would have liked it a lot more from the get-go. So, based on that, I'm giving Deathproof an A-. Planet Terror was still the better overall movie, but this one is great in its own right.

And don't even get me started on all of the cool little extras like the fake movie trailers! The first one, Machete, was the best one, although the Thanksgiving one by Eli Roth was a goddamn riot.
Grindhouse was, by far, one of the best theater experiences I've had, and will probably have this year. Rodriguez and Tarantino know how to entertain, and they dished up something here that was unique, nostalgic, unforgettable, and something that makes you want to get down on your knees and thank God for the movies.

Gouda's Final Overall Grade: A